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I was gently, gently leaving church, with my pastor’s sermon still spinning in my head, when my phone informed me that a certain Deputy Inspector General of Police had called me three times. It was strange. I’m usually the one who calls, almost always. I’m the one who needs saving from sharp turns. So I quickly called back.
He asked, “Are you watching this discussion on television?” I rushed to YouTube to catch up. Lo and behold, the discussion was about ejaculation, masturbation, outsourcing, erectile dysfunction and so on.
Come on, why would a DIG watch this type of program? He always seemed so tough and stern that I sometimes wondered if he did anything besides chase bandits and thieves. Well, he is first and foremost a man before being a top cop. But why did he want to ruin my fresh Sunday morning anointing with all this talk about ejaculation and masturbation? Again, sperm and how they leave the body are natural facts and what happens when they don’t is a cold reality.
We unpack the box. The discussion was about how men need to ejaculate 21 times in a month to ward off prostate cancer. Yes, some research has actually established this. I am not a scientist but I strongly suspect that there were no women in that research team. I smell deep conspiracy here. Men are angry with us. They are ganging up on their wives. Here’s how and why they sponsored this type of research. They need a scientific excuse to hang their wives’ legs 21 times a month. They need a doctor’s prescription to flip and flip their wives like hamburgers 21 times in a month. Who does it but evil men?
It’s fine if the woman is a new bride or is young, like if she is 25 or 35 years old, maybe, just maybe she will be able to complete the 21 times a month regimen. If a woman’s libido is high and her man knows how to keep her wet and happy, she might even try to keep up with a man with hot loins. Note: A man must keep his woman wet and happy to reach 21 ejaculations. He needs to know which buttons to press, which switch to flip, which knobs to rub to wake his wife.
However, even if the woman is young and capable, what about distraction from her other duties? What if there are small children that require his attention, a career that requires travel, a job that requires endless hours of downtime, and, of course, keeping the house running? How does man find the space to return to his quota? What if a woman’s libido can’t make 21 high jumps and her husband’s PSA and DHT are flashing red? Should be allowed to outsource! Outsource Kinni (what)?
Taking our jointly owned tool to another or many other farms to work!? Hellooooo, do you know any wife who would gladly let her husband outsource his tasks? Even if it kills us, we will lubricate and hang our legs to keep our staff in charge. Yes, some women are strong, they can do it even with a daily dose.
I had a coworker whose husband wanted sex every day and she got away with it. Lazy, I watched how he walked because I thought daily sex would alter your gait, the way you walk, but Kiki told me it strengthened their marriage. Now in her late fifties, I have to ask her if Bobo is still as wacky as he was.
I told you the men had something to do with that research. It is not true? They were just looking for science-backed reasons to go global with this outsourcing angle. They will soon approach the National Assembly to include chics and second wives in our laws to deny that section that says they can go to prison if they legalize outsourcing. Bad boys. Very selfish.
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Since doctors have said that any organ in the body that isn’t washed regularly will start to retain toxins, does that mean we can now start giving men license to throw their weights and lengths around?
What about Catholic priests who have sworn celibacy and don’t ejaculate? Will prostate cancer kill them all? So how are we going to address masturbation in all of this? Masturbation will lead to ejaculation. But it’s addictive. It is not true? Addiction is another disease. Then there is the religious part. I would like to know at least which of the Nigerian churches does not consider masturbation a sin. I know of two churches where those “under the yoke of masturbation” will be told to undergo three to five days of intensive deliverance. He’s a demon! Nigerian Business Directory
But seriously, I feel sorry for men. They need to ejaculate 21 times. They have wives who constantly say they are tired or have headaches. They have pastors who say that masturbation is a demon that must be cast out of them. They have pastors who also tell them that side chicks and second wives are a sin. Meanwhile, their doctors brandish the banner of DHT (dihydrotestosterone, a male sex hormone) and threaten them with PSA tests. Poor guys. They are caught between a rock and a hard place.
This is my opinion, guys, find a way, any way to make your wives wet and happy and then ejaculate 21 times (or even more) every month. It is less expensive and above all less stressful. Most men do not have the wisdom and resources to handle outsourcing. If a man already has problems keeping his place running, opening a branch is simply foolish.
Wait, what if a man had erectile dysfunction and his wife had a high libido? Shouldn’t she also be externalizing instead of suffering in silence? Yes, in the spirit of general fairness, if he can’t cope, she should find a sideways cock to help keep the energy charged and the engine running.
I came in peace. I go in peace.
. egbemode3@gmail.com.
