Echoes of Trauma: The People You Can Never Please

Listen when correction is warranted. Change when change is necessary. But don’t keep tearing yourself apart to win the approval of someone who has already decided you will never be enough.

Some people will tell you the truth about yourself, even when you’d rather not hear it. They will point out your blind spots, challenge your behavior, and sometimes tell you you were wrong. They may not always say it kindly, but their words can help you grow.

Then there are people for whom nothing you do seems to be enough.

Sorry, but it doesn’t count. You explain, but your explanation becomes another insult. You make an effort, but the effort is neglected. Change the thing they were complaining about, only to find that something else is now wrong. You give more, you try harder, you welcome more, and somehow you remain the problem.

So where is the problem? Can’t I see something I need to change or am I burning myself out trying to satisfy someone who will never be satisfied?

It is dangerous to tell ourselves that everyone who criticizes us is simply “the wrong person.” Sometimes we are really difficult. We can be selfish, defensive, controlling, insensitive, proud, or reluctant to admit when we are wrong. We can hurt people and then hide behind the language of being misunderstood. We can demand grace by refusing to extend it to others.

Self-acceptance should never become an excuse for refusing to grow.

There are times when uncomfortable feedback is exactly what we need. The friend who tells us we are becoming arrogant. The colleague who points out that it is difficult to work with us. The partner who tells us our behavior is offensive. The child who finally finds the courage to tell a parent that something they did caused them pain.

We should not dismiss such voices simply to protect our self-image.
But there’s another side to this.

Sometimes you looked at yourself honestly. You apologized where apologies were due. You changed what needed to be changed. You listened. You tried. You made room for the other person. You even wondered if you were the problem when you couldn’t find a single extra thing you could reasonably give.

And yet it is not enough. Some people have already formed an opinion about you and continue to gather evidence to support it. Some need you to stay wrong no matter how much you change. Their expectations continue to recede every time you get closer to meeting them.

Trying to gain approval from such a person can slowly turn into a form of abandonment.
You start to look at yourself through their eyes. Measure every word before you speak. Then replay the conversations, asking yourself what you should have said differently. You apologize for things you didn’t do simply to restore peace. You worry so much about making someone else feel comfortable that you stop asking yourself if you’re comfortable with the person you’ve become.

This is where the damage begins. The desire to be accepted is deeply human. We want to belong. We want to be loved. We want our efforts to be recognized by the people who matter to us. There’s nothing wrong with wanting those things.

The problem comes when acceptance becomes the measure of our worth. No human being will please everyone. We are too different in temperament, values, experiences, expectations and ways of seeing the world. Some people will connect with us immediately. Others don’t. Some will understand us deeply. Others may never understand us.

This does not automatically mean that either party is wrong.

We talk so much about finding that special person who will understand us, love us, and stand by us that we sometimes underestimate the importance of building a larger circle of people with whom we can be ourselves. Friends who know how to laugh with us. People who can challenge us without humiliating us. People who know how to tell us when we are wrong without making us feel useless. People who don’t ask us to perform for our place in their lives.

They may not agree with everything we do. Sometimes they might disappoint us. Even we may not agree with them. But there’s a difference between a relationship that requires growth and one that requires constantly proving that you deserve to be in it.

We need people who can see our flaws without reducing us to them.

We also need the courage to accept that some people may never become those people.
This can be painful, especially when the person is someone whose approval is deeply important to us. A parent. A spouse. A friend. A colleague. A member of our own family. Someone whose acceptance we spent years trying to earn.

Sometimes we keep returning to the same door, convinced that if we knock differently this time, it will finally open.

But not every closed door is an invitation to knock harder. Sometimes the healthiest thing we can do is stop auditioning.

Not with anger or bitterness, and certainly not with the smug declaration that everyone else is toxic and we are perfect. We pause with the honesty to admit that we’ve examined ourselves, made the changes we needed, and still can’t get this particular person to accept us.

Listen when correction is warranted. Change when change is necessary. But don’t keep tearing yourself apart to win the approval of someone who has already decided you will never be enough.

There is a profound difference between becoming a better person and becoming whatever another person needs you to be.

The first is growth. The second can become the loss of yourself.

So examine yourself. Be willing to listen to difficult truths. Make amends when you make mistakes. Change habits that hurt people. Apologize sincerely. Become softer where you have become hard and more responsible where you have become careless.

So, after you’ve done the honest work of looking at yourself, give yourself permission to stop chasing approval that will never come.

Someone’s inability to appreciate you is not automatically evidence of your lack of value. Their rejection is not necessarily a verdict on your character. Their refusal to accept the person you’ve honestly worked to become doesn’t mean you have to keep creating new versions of yourself in the hopes that one of them will finally pass the test.

You are allowed to grow without disappearing.
You are allowed to be imperfect without believing you are worthless. And you’re allowed to find people with whom belonging doesn’t feel like a show.

True freedom can come when we stop asking ourselves, “What else can I do to make this person accept me?” and start asking myself, “Am I being asked to grow up or am I being asked to abandon myself?”

The answer may change more than the relationship. It could change the way you see yourself.

● A lawyer and equity advocate, Lillian is the editor of Law & Society Magazine. She can be reached at Lillianokenwa@gmail.com, at X: @OkenwaLillian.

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